


Afraid To Love You

by SIX_Calavera (sicdog)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gratuitous sappy nonsense, I write from my she/her perspective but reader can be gender neutral, Other, Romance, Sadness, Self-Esteem Issues, Spoilers, Spoilers for Nott, Spoilers for episodes around 57-62, all sap, minimal plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:27:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27487291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sicdog/pseuds/SIX_Calavera
Summary: In an episode where Caleb and Beau share a nice conversation I take it a step further turning it into something more romantic and desperate between the reader and Caleb.Both are running from their feelings but Caleb sees his loved one's sadness over his distance. He can't keep hiding from her like this...
Relationships: Caleb Widogast/Original Female Character(s), Caleb Widogast/Reader, Caleb Widogast/You
Comments: 18
Kudos: 56





	1. Here to Stay

A knock comes at your door in the early morning, you grumble, pulling covers over your head in an attempt to ignore it.

And it is early morning, despite the perpetual night of Rosohna.

But before you can even try to drift back to sleep Jester pipes up and answers, "Who is it!?" She calls, making a sleepy Beauregard cover her ears with a frustrated groan. 

"It- it's me, it's Caleb." He responds, muffled behind the door to your shared room. 

Jester looks over at you, you give her an ambiguous look as you shake your head, "We're naked!" She decides to reply. 

"No..." Caleb mumbles in a sad mixture of shock and trepidation, still behind the door. 

Your head snaps up, "Jester, why?" You groan, the tiefling smiles and shrugs in return, "Maybe he'll go away?" She offers playfully. 

"I-just need to speak with Scout." Caleb continues, his voice filtering in from the hallway. 

With a defeated sigh you pull yourself from your warm bed, "I'm sleeping, what do you want...." You grumble at the still closed door. 

"She's naked!" Jester calls out, a pert smile on her face when you turn to scowl at her. 

"No I'm not!" You yell, throwing something warm over your pajamas before finally opening the door and stepping outside. 

You close the door behind you, raising a brow at Caleb, he's hiding with his hands over his eyes.

"Are you naked?" He asks cautiously. 

You roll your eyes at him, "No, Caleb. Now, what's wrong?"

Caleb's expression looks relieved but quickly becomes serious, changing the energy that Jester had set, "I...wanted to speak to you about what you said to me yesterday."

You recall questioning his motives, bringing up your doubt that he won't leave you all for dead and run; your fear that he sees you all as a means to an end, that he may very well only care for Nott and no one else.

You shift anxiously, feet teetering ball to heel. Running your tongue over your teeth, you make an indignant sucking noise, "And what of it?" 

"I need our scout to like me. I need you to be my friend." He begins, his eyes silently pleading. He looks frustrated with you, is he tired of you questioning him?  
"I need you to trust me," he continues, "Me and you, we want the same things. Don't you see that? I'm on your side. More than that, you are my friend, Fräulein." 

"You don't need to ask for my trust, Caleb..." You begin to reply, biting back a joke about how there are two scouts, he can focus on Beau if he's tired of your attitude....then his words cut your train of thought.

"Well yesterday it felt like I did. You looked at me like there was something hidden in my words when I was speaking plainly." He states, leaning forward in a determined stance, ready to defend his motives. 

You look off to your side guiltily, sighing without meeting his eyeline.

"I'll be honest then," you begin, "I do see myself as your friend, one of your closest even." You turn your head to look into his eyes, your stern expression melting away, "I care very deeply about you. Your story feels as though my own and I want nothing more than to be by your side and see you through it." You can't hold eye contact for long, his eyes are full of emotion and it overwhelms you. Your gaze drops to your feet, "My issue comes from not knowing your feelings towards me." You catch yourself, "Or any of us- for that matter. I know that I care for you, I just wonder if you accept that. Or if you even care for us in return." You swallow, your throat suddenly dry, "Because, you're difficult to read, Widogast." You laugh bitterly, "I like to think I'm protecting all of us by being harsh to you. If you were still pushing us away after everything we've been through together, that would truly pain me." 

Your eyes drag themselves up Caleb's body until you force them back to Caleb's eyeline, "I don't want to be left by you, and I don't want you to be alone."

The mage looks at you intently, his brows knitted in frustration and worry. Until finally he sighs, his calculating expression relenting and glowing with a timid burst of empathetic warmth.

"I suppose...I'm not yet accustomed to being needed, or even wanted. I don't normally think about...how others might perceive me." Caleb swallows, "I...haven't shown you how I feel, you're right to be wary. But I promise you that I-" Caleb pauses, his head dropping before lifting back up at you, "I care for you, all of you. And you, you are one of my closest friends." Caleb breathes deeply, "You are." He emphasizes. 

You smile at that, taking the chance to timidly reach out for his hand, his brows twitch in slight confusion for a moment but you manage to catch a few of his fingers in your hand. 

He feels rough and strong, which surprises you since you've seen how delicate his fingers can be when casting spells. 

You take a step closer to him, "I'm...relieved, Caleb. I'm sorry I've been critical. I want to be close to you, I just don't think I could bear knowing you didn't feel the same." You clear your throat slightly, "I promise I do trust you." You breathe, staring down at his hand in yours. 

Caleb watches you, concern back on his face, blinking at you and unsure if he's gathering your entire meaning. He wants to speak, his lips part slightly as if words might speak themselves if he only provides the opportunity. But nothing comes, he's frozen still and wishing he were braver...

You only hear his silence, not the unsaid words his eyes silently plead for you to divinate. You squeeze his hand, and as he continues to stare blankly at you, you decide to quit while you're ahead and let him go. 

"Well I guess I'll head back to bed for a while. Might be able to sleep another hour before we head out." You offer, trying to fill up any awkward silence as his fingers slide away from yours. 

He clears his throat, words finally escaping it's tightness, "Er...yes, yes. Thank you for speaking with me...I will let you go back to bed." Caleb responds politely. 

His tone hurts you, and you look at him through sad eyes, "Caleb, don't be so curt with me. You don't have to be." 

Caleb looks at his feet, concentrating, worrying his bottom lip as a fleeting look of regret crosses his face. He can't seem to get the hang of intimacy even in a basic situation between two friends. He worries if he ever will. 

You notice him struggling to say something more and decide to take the initiative and guide him into a gentle hug. 

Caleb's eyes bug for a second as he's unexpectedly pulled into your arms. But eventually he wraps his arms around you, his head leaning into you only as much as he'll allow himself to, he fights against wanting to melt into you. 

Your sad expression relaxes for a second, sighing deeply into his body as your muscles relax for what feels like the first time in many weeks. Unlike him, you have no issue finding comfort in his presence. 

"I won't leave you, Caleb. I just always felt like you couldn't say the same for me." You whispered into his shoulder. 

He slowly drew back until he could see your face, "I can." He nodded slowly at you, his eyes boring into yours with a sense of purpose. His face was close to yours, only a few spaces apart, you could feel his calm breathing on you. Your gaze lingers on his lips for a moment, your arms still wrapped around his shoulders. 

You lean into him, but you notice his breath hitching, and his body tensing. Hesitatingly you smile warmly at him, and plant a more polite kiss on his cheek. Caleb tilts into your kiss, letting out a gentle sigh. 

But you thought nothing of it, or assumed he was simply relieved you didn't kiss him. 

You give him one last sad smile before going back to your room. You leave Caleb a bit dumbstruck in the hallway before he too goes back to his room for a couple more hours of restless sleep. 

Everyone eventually begins to stir, it feels early but without the sun to read, it's difficult to tell. Luckily Caleb could tell you all what time it was, and you all made your way down to the dining room, ordered breakfast and chatted happily as a rowdy bunch of adventurers staying at Dim's Inn. 

Caleb and Nott were discussing shopping for books. While you, Jester and Beau discussed shopping for survival kits, first aids, and other miscellaneous supplies. 

Caleb was sitting next to you, and although you were both in your own respective conversations, your mind focused on the heat on your shoulder at having him so near. It was a slightly uncomfortable warmth, as you were a bit shy now after having confessed feelings for him, even if your expression of love wasn't as dramatic or obvious as you wish you had been. 

After a laugh shared among the group you both look over at each other, usually a glance like this is innocuous and quickly forgotten, but things are different today, you meet each other's eyes smiling but you quickly remember to feel flustered by him. The innocent moment suddenly has meaning, and you hold his gaze, his smile fades slightly as his eyes drop to your lips for a moment so quick you might have missed it had you not been staring at him so hard. 

You quickly look away from one another, returning to separate conversations, your cheeks flushed and his chest filled with nervousness. 

With breakfast finished the gang of adventurers and misfits makes its way outside the tavern, everyone makes a plan for where they might head for the night, 

Caduceus, and Yasha decide to head toward the city center in search of the hulking blacksmith they had met a few days earlier. Nott and Caleb decide to go shopping for some clothes for her husband, on a whim Jester decides to tag along with them, chirping excitedly about colorful ribbons. Leaving you and Beauregard to take on shopping for supplies for travelling. 

Beau holds her staff across her shoulders behind her head, hanging her arms over it like she could be doing farm work, or carrying buckets of milk on each end. She walks confidently next to you, her toes pointing almost up as she takes strong steps, "Noticed you and Caleb been acting weird today. There's a...vibe, between you two." 

You laugh inwardly, looking down at your feet as your pace slows slightly, "You noticed that, did you?" 

Beau takes advantage of your slowed pace to walk ahead of you, stepping carefully as she walks backwards, "Of course I did. Come on, from one eagle eyed wonder to another...what's going on? Are you two fighting?" 

You cross your arms sighing, surrendering to Beau's keen eyes, "Kind of? Well- yes it's been tense but it's my fault. I think I messed up by...confronting him and then telling him I had feelings for him." You wave a hand in the air defeatedly, "Then again...I don't know, my words might not have even been clear."

"Really?" She raises a brow at you, Beau takes a wide sweep as she pivots to return to facing forward, walking beside you her face crinkles in thought, "In your defense, Caleb is pretty dense. When it comes to interpersonal stuff, It takes a lot of repetition to get something into his head, which is ironic for someone as smart as him." 

You smile relieved, "That's true. But would it be worth it?" You look away, smile fading and worrying your bottom lip, "I'm not sure he even feels the same way. He didn't say much to me in response." 

Beau takes her staff, twirling it for a moment then stamping it on the ground as you both come to a stop in front of a merchant's stall, "Well I can tell you that from my perspective, he definitely seems to have a soft spot for you." Beau leans on her staff as you pick through a stall of fruit, "He cares a lot about what you think of him, for some reason." 

You hand the merchant some coin for the food and turn to huff at Beau. You ask her for clarification but It's all Beau has to offer and she picks her staff back up as you keep moving through the market, "I'm just saying..." She continues, "It can be hard to pinpoint what he's feeling, he doesn't always put it into words very well, but he makes an effort for you." Beau shrugs, sniffing and stretching her neck nonchalantly, "Just my opinion."

You let Beau's words simmer, but there's still a part of you that doesn't trust what she says. It's difficult to believe Caleb could have feelings for you when he's still so...sealed away....from everyone. 

After a few hours of shopping, you've amassed a nice helping of supplies and food for travel, you decide to head back to the meeting point the group had decided on. 

Everyone reconnects in the city center, where there are restaurants and more merchants as well as stores. 

You see your friends sitting outside a small tavern, Nott and Yeza are enjoying a nice meal while Fjord and Jester are joining them. Caleb and Yasha are standing beside the table, conversing.

Fjord sees you both and he and Jester wave to you, Nott and her husband seem preoccupied in a conversation and hardly notice your arrival. You and Beau walk up to them and greet everyone happily, Caleb casts a sidelong glance your way, while Yasha casts a bright smile and nods confidently in your direction. Beau steals a chair and you sidle up next to Caleb, setting down your shopping in the last empty seat, opting to stand alongside him. 

Everyone is talking happily, suggesting you all sit down for lunch once Caduceus returns from his conversation with another merchant nearby.

You're happy and distracted listening to the upbeat conversation between everyone, it's a nice break from the dire stakes you're usually in when adventuring. Slowly you feel a faint warmth at your side, a gentle caress of your hand so subtle you don't react to it immediately. 

You keep your eyes ahead as you feel Caleb press his knuckles against yours, his fingers threatening to entwine with yours. You breathe easy, unable to hide a small smile you hurriedly look down at your feet in an attempt to hide it. You press your pinky finger against his until he curls his own around yours. As secretly as you can, holding hands with only your pinky fingers, an intimate and imperceptible moment between the two of you. 

You both smile at no one in particular for a moment, before letting go, hoping no one noticed the tryst between your hand and Caleb's. 

You're not sure if it's you now, but why isn't that enough? The press of his hand against yours as he tries to get your attention. A public display of affection in front of friends, although it wasn't really public as you two did your best to hide it. 

Perhaps his placid flirt was actually consoling in nature, like a friend squeezing the shoulder of another in encouragement. Except- with pinkies, delicately entwined but too afraid to entirely grab hold. 

"Because there's still distance there...?" You ask yourself out loud, now back in your room at the tavern, Beau and Jester listening to you intently. 

Jester sighs, her cheek resting in the palm of her hand, "I think you're just in denial. You don't want to believe he likes you too." She tuts, "But why do that?" 

You sigh, and Beau throws a hand out at you as if demanding a debt, "Yeah, I think it's obvious too. That guy's obsessed with you, why are you overthinking it?" She shakes her head, brows furrowing at you. 

Caleb meanwhile is making his way down the hall, steeling himself to ask for another audience with you, his wavy orange-brown hair bounces as he walks stiffly toward your door. 

He catches the end of a sentence...

"He's rubbing off on me I guess...." You catch Jester and Beau's probing looks, "Come on we all know how he can be, I know I'm not reading him right." You sigh, "I've made mistakes before. He can be so sweet, and he's had moments like this with everyone. I know he's caring, I know he's gentle. I know it's not about me." 

Caleb hears this, his lips parting slightly at the sadness in your voice, he feels a pull to open the door and set you straight. But his heart starts beating furiously at the thought and instead he stands dumbstruck outside the door once again, his hand falling to his side before turning on his heel and walking as quietly as he can back to his room.

Jester and Beau look at each other with knowing eyes, they huff and set you with soft smiles. 

"You two are so similar sometimes, you know that?" Beau pipes up, pointing her chin at you, Jester nods slowly in agreement. 

This makes you smile, ."I guess time will tell." 

Eventually you all decide to turn in and rest...the oppressive night of Rosohna pulling you into sleep.  
Then, in the middle of the night when all is still and silent, your eyes snap open, feeling a tickle in your head like fluttering wings

You hear a whisper, "Wake up." It's nervous and sweet, it's Zemnian and charming, it's Caleb's and it's calling to you. 

You can hear that Jester and Beau are breathing deeply and slowly. Still asleep. 

"It is me, Caleb." His voice continues when you don't respond.

"Caleb?" You respond, still slightly groggy from being woken up so abruptly. 

Caleb licks his lips, holding a fine strand of silver thread close to his mouth, "I'm sorry I woke you. I...wanted to talk to you."

His voice feels like it's your own inside your mind, it's a strange feeling but at least it's a voice you quite like.

"Do you not like me when I'm well rested, Mr. Widogast?" You jest, feeling proud when you elicit that soft chuckle from the man on your mind. 

"I am sorry, inspiration comes to me at inopportune times, and now there are things I wish to say." He sighs, "Would you come talk to me? I am outside your room." He finishes, his familiar wording that is overly formal, like someone whose first language isn't the one they are speaking. 

"Okay, Caleb." You relent, you step out of your bed, feet tentatively touching the floor as you tiptoe your way to the door, careful not to wake the others. 

Closing the door behind you, you turn and see Caleb standing there without his usual coat and scarf, his hair slightly more tousled than usual, and Frumpkin snoring lightly around his shoulders. He looks like he was in bed and on a whim decided to get up and contact you with his spell. 

"Can we speak downstairs?" He whispered. 

You nod with a shy smile and follow him downstairs, rubbing your eyes looking like two kids sneaking off in the dead of night. Downstairs there are only a few lingering drinkers, and one sleepy barman. You take a seat in a dimly lit corner of the dining area, and hear him speak.


	2. Just One Wishing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Words are exchanged

"I...hope you don't think ill of me." Caleb begins, nervously rubbing his knuckles with his fingers, "I overheard some of your conversation with Jester and Beauregard, I- I didn't mean to. I just-" Caleb runs a hand through his hair, quickly becoming exasperated, "I didn't think anything could get past you." He sighs and smiles weakly at you.

You flounder for a moment, blinking at Caleb not really knowing how to respond, "Well, I think you underestimate how good you are at alienating others, Caleb..." You slowly return his smile, equally nervous, "With someone else it might be an easy guess but with you, well...I feel I miss a lot. With you, It's hard to be sure..." 

"Then let me reassure you." Caleb replies, his expression hardening slightly, "I- feel the same." His hand reaches out to touch yours. His motions still reserved and anxious, nervously trying his best to be bold for you. "I have..." Caleb continues, "More people in my life that I love than I ever have before. I've lost people I love, and having more to lose, that...that is incredibly frightening for me...." 

Your brows furrow, fingers entwined with Caleb's as you hang onto his every word, attempting to understand what he must be feeling.

Caleb's eyes clench closed, "I don't know what would become of me...if I were to lose you." He suddenly looks afraid, though of what you're not sure, "If you were taken from me...I could die....I could even kill..." His eyes resolutely meet with your own, "I know who I am when I am alone. With you...I could become something else." His brows furrow, a pained look creasing his forehead, "And I- I am not sure if I am brave enough to find out what that is. I just know that my love for you has caught up with me. And I can no longer avoid it. Because somehow..." Caleb laughs bitterly, squeezing your hand, "Somehow, for some reason, you love me too. Me, the last person that deserves it-- is loved by you."

Your eyes well with emotion, pained at the presence of this damn table keeping the both of you apart. Your body screams at you to get up and go to him, "Oh, Caleb. You're such a fool." You say with tenderness. 

Caleb has a faint wince on his face at that, as if he were hoping his foolishness was something you hadn't noticed. 

Your hand squeezes his, "I want to, hug you...can I-?" 

Caleb fills his lungs with a deep steadying breath, and eventually nods slowly, his eyes beckoning you forward. 

His permission is enough encouragement and you get up to walk around the table to him, he doesn't immediately stand up so you...place your hands on his shoulders, keeping him seated. 

Caleb looks up at you, his hands catching yours against his body, eyes wide, lips parted slightly like a child in both fear and awe, wondering what your next move might be. 

You twist so your legs hang off the side of his lap as you take a seat on him, Caleb's chin angles upward to allow you to better mold into his body, your shoulder tucked snuggly under his chin. Your arms snake around his shoulders and your fingers lock together behind his back. Caleb is surprised by your action but he welcomes you into him anyway, challenging himself to relax in your embrace. 

His arms curl around you in return, effectively cradling you in his arms he makes you feel very small and safe. His hands run up and down your back, holding you close and soothing your emotionally wrecked nerves. 

'The hard part is over...' you think to yourself, losing yourself in the rhythmic rubbing of Caleb's gentle caresses. He hums gently into your shoulder, his shoulders losing a tension that must have been there the entire time you've known him. 

Frumpkin won't be left out and finds a way to lay across both your shoulders, purring and breathing softly. 

You let the scent of Caleb wash over you, Xorhas has been treating all of us surprisingly well, we are all clean, well fed, and we must be feeling rather bold in our new safety to be spending time like this, usually there's no room for introspection when you're fighting for your life. 

Your hands reach up to tangle in thick auburn hair, softly petting, "You don't know how large you loom in my heart, in my admiration." You start, Caleb's hands tighten slightly around you as you speak, "You are a fool because you don't see how lucky I am as well. I thought, you'd never love me back, for who am I?" You sigh, throat feeling painful and tight but you fight back lonely tears, "But here I am. Proven wrong and you- proven deserving."

You're nestled in Caleb's loving embrace, he holds you for what you wish would feel like an eternity, but you're there for nothing more than a few minutes and you dread having to be let go. He searches for you with his head, angling into you, like a cat starved for attention. And you give it freely, affectionately petting his hair, burying your face in the crook of his neck, planting featherlight kisses on his shoulders. 

"So don't say foolish things, Caleb. Everyone deserves a sanctuary.   
Maybe this could be ours." 

Caleb thinks on your words, 'This place can't be home. Can it?' he wonders. This was the most dangerous place in the world for all the humans in your party, it was only by sheer luck and Caleb's quick thinking that you're all alive and well. If he hadn't handed over the relic you might all be in the stockades right now, made a show of in front of the strange folk that call Xhorhas home. 

He worries you might not be realizing the full picture here...caught up in idealistic dreams and drunk on the touch of a man that loves you....

But still, he holds you there, in the dark corner of a dark tavern. The barman shoots a few strange looks your way, but his eyes don't linger on you for long. 

After a while Caleb breaks the serene silence between the two of you, "We should head back to bed, we have to meet with Professor Waccoh in the morning." 

You groaned, "I'm worried Beau is going to ask for more money and we're going to end up with nothing." 

Caleb chuckles, leaning back, prompting you lean back as well and meet his eyeline, "I'm sure we'll be fine. Between all of us we'll be somewhat persuasive...I hope..." he grimaces. 

You smile at him, feeling the need to give him another chaste kiss on his cheek, you feel like the embrace you were just in was probably a lot for someone like Caleb, in terms of intimacy. Caleb's eyes are on yours, curious and slightly distracted, there's a question in them you can't decipher. You stand slowly, Caleb's hand in yours as he follows suit. 

You both make your way back to the floor where your rooms are, reluctant to let go of his hand you stand in front of your door, trying to find a good excuse to keep him with you. You sigh defeatedly when nothing comes to mind, ready to let go of his hand and head back into your room, but as you turn away, his hand doesn't let you go. You turn back to look at him, confusion crinkling your brows. Caleb looks a little spooked, staring wide eyed into you like he's about to shout that there's something on your face. 

Suddenly he steps closer to you, hands snaking up your arms until they gently hold either side of your head. 

"Caleb?" You whisper, wondering what he's doing, if he's alright. 

His face is now inches from yours, your face hot from his nearness as well as his nervous palms. 

"I know now that I need to...make sure you know what you mean to me. So I am going to try." He states, a bit stiffly, you can tell his shoulders are shivering slightly. He's anxious. 

"Caleb, you really don't have to. It's okay if you don't want to do more than this yet." You respond carefully. 

Caleb sighs, his forehead gently bumping yours, his hair obscuring his face. He nervously licks his lips, "I want to. I really do want to. I'm just...."

"I know." You whisper. Caleb instead takes your face and places tender kisses on each of your eyelids as they flutter closed. 

You hum happily, a gleam in your smile as he slowly steps away. Caleb bids you goodnight, and you both return to your respective rooms for the night. 

Everyone wakes and Caleb informs you all that it is morning. The humans of the group, you as well, gear up and carefully plan what they're going to tell the professor. It was a hard fought victory at the mines, as well as the aftermath when you worked so hard to thoroughly embarrass the foreman that professor Waccoh hates so intensely. And you don't necessarily disagree with asking for a little more....

"We really did go above and beyond, Beau is right. We might just get away with asking for more." You offer, shrugging noncommittally. 

"But let's not push this professor too far. We could easily be walking out of there with nothing." Caleb rebuttals, an air of authority in his voice that rarely appears but always finds its way to him when the pressure is on. 

"That is also true." You say with an ambiguous bounce of your head. 

Beauregard groans frustratedly at this small standstill, "Alright, alright, I get what you're saying Caleb. Let's just go in there, and I'll see if I can...gently nudge her in a favorable direction." She offers.

You all nod at one another, and look to the rest of the mighty nein who also seem to be on board with this soft sell idea. 

You finally arrive at the professors residence, a few knocks and a flash of some medallions gifted to you by The Bright Queen and you're graciously let in. 

Waccoh's face lights up at the sight of you three, taking in your appearances like it's the first time again. Measuring your wingspan, muscle density, and other uncomfortable things. After massaging your jaw from her rough grabs you begin to explain the events that transpired the last few days, with a few altered details....   
The encampment of giants had been removed, and the foreman had been harassed to the point of losing consciousness. Waccoh is ecstatic over the news, but the moment is short lived once Beau tries to see if she can sweeten the deal. 

It's a gentle push but it's not well received, you and Caleb share nervous glances and Beau tries to salvage the situation 

"You may all have favour from the bright queen, but you're all still a bunch of humans. There's mistrust of humans in this city and that can be just as useful to me, as those medallions are for the three of you." Waccoh shoots you all a glare, her accent jumping and jutting more than usual in her angry tone. You quickly become more wary, but Beau seems unphased. 

"Look, I don't wanna ask for too much either. We're new here, I get that. How about a 50/50 split of gems and items? Whatever seems fair to you." Beau offers, as cordially as she can muster. 

Waccoh laughs inwardly, thumb and index finger rubbing her chin as she considers our offer. Eventually she sucks her teeth and nods her head, "Alright, let me show you your options again." 

A collective sigh of relief washes over the three of you, Caleb fixes you with a reassuring look, then clasps Beau's shoulder. You take items for friends and for yourselves, as well as a small helping of gems. 

Making it out of Waccoh's lab unscathed you're now on route to an apothecary that Jester and Caduceus discovered through their divination talents. 

After some investigation it really seems that this may all play a part in an attack against the dynasty. The places and voices that Jester heard in her scry of the blue cloth, whispers that Caduceus receives from the wildmother. You fear that the time for fence sitting might be growing short, it might be time to choose a side, or one may be chosen for you. 

You all quickly come to the conclusion that you must inform The Bright Queen of this possible attack. 

"Something about this place sets me on edge, I can't shake the fear I felt from our initial arrival...." Caleb pipes up, fiddling with the scarf around his neck as you all make the walk into the grand hall for an audience with the Bright Queen.

"It probably didn't help that we were dressed in the trappings of servants." You smile slyly at Jester and Nott. 

Nott laughs heartily from atop Caleb's shoulders, while Jester jokes about how good you all looked. 

You cast Caleb a sidelong look, subtle enough that hopefully no one else notices it, you remember the tight leather straps hugging his torso and arms, ties holding his hands together. 

You also worry for an...'other you' that Caleb brings out...  
Your hand drifts against his, knuckles bumping in a now comfortable show of affection. Subtle glances and secret touches are becoming established as an obscure language between the two of you at this point. 

Caleb sighs happily, his side glance meeting yours for a moment, pinkies entwined in a familiar hold, quickly letting go just before you cross into the Bright Queen's grand hall.

You had hoped the conversation would reassure you all, but really the only difference now is that you're in the middle of a potential attack against a dynasty. And if there's no attack, you run the risk of being seen as liars.... There's no doubt, you think, that the Bright Queen wouldn't even blink if she had to imprison or execute you all. You find yourself walking closer to Caleb on the way back home, feeling protective over him. 

You're all eager to get back to the Dim's Inn for some food and rest, when you notice a sleek Drow silhouette standing underneath the dimly lit entrance. His stark white hair stands out against the backdrop of eternal night sky and shadows.

"Ah there you all are..." He greets you politely, a tired drawl to his speech that serves to remind you that he probably has better things to do at the moment, "Your audience with the queen went well, I hope?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought yesterday was Wednesday, I can't keep track of the days lmao.


	3. Someone Somewhere

"You bought us a house!?" Jester exclaims, her hands squishing the apples of her cheeks into a ghostly expression of shock. 

Essek gives Jester a tight, courteous smile, "Not quite, young tiefling.... It was courtesy of my den. For all you've done in the name of the Bright Queen." Essek bows slightly, a show of humbleness and civility that doesn't feel entirely genuine, "Now, shall I show you to your new accomodations?" 

You and Caleb sneak a glance at each other, you expect to see an excited face, same as yours. But Caleb looks wary, hands clenched together.

Before you can question him everyone begins following Essek. Walking through foreign streets you sidle up to Caleb, shifting with small steps until you can bump the tips of your fingers against his palm, tickling and teasing slightly before moving relenting. You hear him take a deep breath and his shoulders lose some of their tension.

Normally he would be lost in his thoughts, but a simple touch from you manages to break through, He gives you a meek sidelong glance, his eyes silently grateful for you, even if they're weighed down by tired eyelids. 

Caduceus tells you he might start a garden, put down roots literally and figuratively, as he put it. 

"Are you sure this place can become a home?" You ask, moving up next to him. 

Caduceus stamps his staff along the ground as you follow Essek, looking like a king of honeybees covered in flora and natural scents, "That's a good question. I've got another one, why can't it be?" 

Some of your other companions are in small conversations themselves, but Caleb pays attention to yours, head slightly bowed as he listens in. 

"Well, a lot of us have... responsibilities we can't leave behind, things we still need to do." You respond, craning your neck up at him to look in his eyes. 

Caduceus thinks on that for a moment, stroking his beard, "Well, just because a drifter's got a home doesn't mean he can't still drift." He smiles down at you, "We should give this place a chance." 

"What if it isn't safe?" You cross your arms, cold and weary from the constant darkness.

"We don't have to stay forever, but let's at least let ourselves relish the comfort that comes with a place all our own. Even if it's not quite home." Caduceus places a warm hand on your shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze, "Why make it a big deal before it is one? Let's not let our road weary habits keep us from enjoying this gift." His smile is warm, his eyes crinkling slightly with mirth and patience. 

His words and comforting hand at your shoulder make you feel almost drunk, like...maybe the world is full of hope and possibility. Caduceus is a dangerous friend to have, you might let yourself become lost in optimism....

"Thank you, Caduceus." You reply. 

"Oh? For what?" He lifts an inquisitive brow at you. 

You blush slightly, "You're just...pretty great to talk to." 

Caleb, walking sheepishly behind you pulls out a silver thread, and holds it to his lips, "Do not get lost in his beautiful pink eyes, mein liebling" he jokes, only for your ears. 

You chuckle, trying to hide the grin spreading on your face. 

You didn't take Caleb for a jealous type. 

Eventually you all arrive at your new abode within the Firmaments. Hidden amongst various lovely temples and structures of worship lies a stunning two story mansion, gifted to you courtesy of den Thelyss and the Bright Queen. 

It's colors are dark and muted, but the architecture is surprisingly warm and homey. It's all dark wood and stone foundations, like a super sized cottage. 

Essek gives a sweeping motion towards the house, presenting it with pride, "For as long as you have need, this home is yours." He bows slightly. 

Jester is the first to break silence, "Oh wow, it's beautiful! Thank you, Essek!" Jester holds her arms open expectantly at him. 

You and Beau try not to laugh at the awkward situation, elbowing each other as Essek scans the rest of the group, looking for someone to bail him out of this. 

Eventually Esseks rolls his eyes and leans slightly into Jester's embrace, she seizes the opportunity and wraps her arms around him and doesn't let him go for a while. Long enough that the poor Drow starts to struggle. It's too much, you can't hold in a laugh at that, though it comes out as more of a loud raspberry. 

"Thank you, Essek." Jester whispers in his ear before finally letting him go. 

"Erm, yes. Well then. Until next time, all. Make yourselves at home." Esseks bows before hurrying his way away. 

Everyone is bristling with newfound energy, despite some still being wary of this place, it's obvious that the gang can't help but be a little giddy at being gifted a mansion! 

Caleb is still calm in demeanor, not sharing in the same electric energy as everyone else. He's looking over the whiteprint of the home, memorizing every room and detail. 

"So, what corner are you going to claim, Caleb?" You ask him, looking over his shoulder at the whiteprint. 

Caleb makes room for you on the bench he's sitting on, "I was thinking of this room here...the library." 

You smile at that, taking a seat next to him, "Of course. It's perfect for you, are you excited to fill the room with books?" 

"I am not sure." Caleb frowns, "It might be a fun distraction, for the time being." 

"You make it sound like...it's less a distraction and more of a diversion." You chuckle halfheartedly. 

Caleb looks up at you finally, his eyes searching your face, "Is it not?" His tone sounds slightly accusatory....

You frown at that. Now...you have no illusions about Caleb, there's no one in this ragtag group of friends that doesn't have their flaws. Caleb's coldness and distrust are quickly introduced to new friends. But only the people closest to him also know that he can be quite shrewd and calculating when he doesn't feel safe. 

And you can't blame him for that, but you know that if something is bothering him, it's not without him also deciding what to do about it, he need only say it. 

"Well, there's clearly something you want to say to me." You push. 

Caleb sighs, setting down the whiteprint to look you in the eyes, "I don't think you understand the situation we are in, my dear." 

You scoff under your breath at that pet name. It stings in that patronizing tone of voice.

"Educate me then, Caleb. Since you clearly know something I don't." You cross your arms, head instinctively shaking as you bite your tongue as much as you can. 

"I do not mean to come off as though I know everything." Caleb continues, placing his hands firmly on the table in front of him and standing up, "I am just...I want to make sure that you are...aware that things aren't going to become easier simply because of this house. If anything it's complicated things all the more." 

Your face twists in confusion, "Where is this coming from?" You question incredulously, throwing your arms up as you too stand to meet Caleb eye to eye. 

Caleb seems to shrink slightly under your gaze, but only slightly, he takes a deep breath and frustratedly let's it out, "My dear, you called this strange land a sanctuary." Caleb lowers his voice, drawing in closer to whisper, "For us. And I am wondering..." Caleb huffs, "I am worried, do you really believe that?" 

You try to fight against the urge to continue arguing, instead you start to search through your memory, your eyes flicking about as if they might land on something that helps snap everything into place. Then it hits you, you bring your fist to your head, now slightly embarrassed...

Your eyes settle on Caleb's, he still waits for your response and is visibly confused by your now more relaxed expression.

"Caleb." You shake your head, taking your hand and placing a fist against his chest, "That wasn't what I meant, you foolish man." 

Caleb's body rocks with the playful punch, still looking very confused.   
You sigh and walk away from him, there's no one around that you can see, but this still isn't something you want to talk about in the open. 

You start walking toward the library that will eventually become Caleb's room, he realizes the conversation isn't over and hurriedly follows suit, "Then what did you mean?" He asks as you walk past the doorway into the library. 

You turn around, catching Caleb shutting and locking the door. You smile gently at him, a part of you dreading having to give this explanation.

You take a few steps closer to him, taking his hand in yours, Caleb seems to bristle at that, still not used to being touched by you. His chest fills with an anxious breath but his hand tightens around your fingers, as if afraid you might let go. 

"I didn't mean this place, Caleb." You begin, "I meant you." You state plainly, smiling slightly. 

Caleb's brows furrow, "M- me?" 

"You. And I know that there's no escaping reality. Not in this house, not with you. Especially when it's my job to notice what the rest don't," you swallow, feeling ashamed for wanting an escape, "I just...thought maybe...a small reprieve was in order. Do you...understand?" You squint up at him, slightly apprehensive.

"I...I'm not sure." Caleb breathes, mulling over your words as if it's a concept he can't rightly grasp or believe. 

You nod, head now leaning against his shoulder and arms wrapped around his waist, "All I'm saying is...wherever you go, I'm going to follow." 

Caleb looks at you, his face is close, close enough that his nose bumps against yours, "Truly?" He asks, "Even if I lead to terrible things?" 

You sigh, "Truly. Even so." Your brows twitch, a feeling of guilt sneaking it's way into your heart, slowly you pull away, "I know....the world is...complicated these days, and we probably had some hand in that" You laugh bitterly, Caleb tilts his head inquisitively at you, "It's just that, changing my idea of home makes things easier." 

After all, a sanctuary is just a place you can run to whenever you're tired or afraid. If they'll have you. 

Caleb takes your face in his hands, bringing your eyes back to his, "You're starting to sound a little too much like me, you know?" You both laugh gently at that, maybe he's right, it's a bad habit to overthink. "I think you are right." Caleb continues, "Home can be another person. But we must both make sure to get some sun every once and awhile, yes?" Caleb teases. 

You feel a sudden wave of worry come over you. Butterflies in your stomach and an ache in your chest. He notices it too, now you're certain. The fear that it would be so easy to lose yourselves in each other, to use each other for distraction. And you'd both be willing, welcoming with open arms to forget yourselves completely.

You nod, feeling a little emotional at how well Caleb seems to understand you, even if it always takes a second or third try. 

But one conversation isn't going to quell that feeling, the one you both know you need to avoid. 

...

The next day, you're sitting outside, under the beautiful lights that Caduceus created with some help from Jester. Line upon line of small jars filled with liquid sunlight shine brightly and staunchly against the endless night of Rosohna. 

You're enjoying the cool night air, and the gentle hum of the liquid sunlights when Jester walks by, some mud and paint on old pants she's wearing. You smile and wave at her, eyes crinkling with affection as she looks rather cute in that getup, a cute tiefling gardener. 

Jester smiles widely and walks over, "Hi! Are you having a nice night? What do you think of the lights Caduceus and I made?" Jester asks, cutting herself off with new questions, eventually she takes a seat and waits for answers. 

"I am having a nice night, I'm grateful for this time off. We make our own schedule but sometimes it really doesn't feel like it." You both laugh in agreement, "The lights are beautiful Jester, this is really our own little paradise here." 

Jester beams proudly at that, and starts excitedly telling the story of how she made them and the first few mishaps that came along from the first tries, around her fourth or fifth story a loud voice shouts across the garden. 

"Jester come here!" 

You both turn to the voice and see Nott shouting from the backdoor, Caleb is standing behind her, a stern look on his face. 

Jester turns to you quickly and shrugs with a pouting lip, but gets up to go see what's going on. You're curious now that you see Caleb is involved, and follow suit. 

"Hi, Caleb. What's wrong Nott?" Jester greets them quickly once she steps inside. 

You walk up behind her, silently joining the group. Caleb's eyes linger on you for a moment and you can't help but feel like he's wordlessly asking you to go somewhere else. 

He tears his eyes away from you and in the end doesn't say anything to shoo you away. 

"So, tell me again about this letter?" Caleb addresses Nott and Jester now. 

Nott carefully retells the story as best she can remember, asking Jester to fill any holes or details she missed. They retell writing a letter to a girl, someone named Astrid who Caleb has mentioned a couple times, either on accident or reluctantly. Judging by the look on Caleb's face, this is someone from his past that he doesn't want people to know about.

As the conversation continues, Caleb is constantly checking your face, watching your expression, but he doesn't try to censor anything or keep you away from the conversation. 

"We...sent it to the Soltryce Academy." Nott cringes, realizing now that she's made a mistake. She's sent a bread crumb straight to the people Caleb is hiding from. 

You thought Caleb would be furious or petrified, but he seems calm, or at least he's trying to be. 

"Okay..." Caleb responds as gently as he can, "Did you write any of our names? Any personal information about us?" 

Jester fiddles with her fingers, rocking nervously on her heels, "We....I think we put both our names." She grimaces, her lip tugging down to expose sharp teeth as she looks toward Nott. 

"Yeah, and your last name too, Jester. For our phony trade name...." Nott teehees innocently at Caleb and nervously pokes her index fingers together.   
You can't help but smile and almost let out a chuckle at how hard they're playing innocent. 

Caleb sighs, "Well, I am mostly worried about these people having a trail back to us. We are going to have to be careful, alright?" 

"Sorry, Caleb. I just...wanted you to have a friend." Nott offers. 

Caleb smiles, "I have friends, Nott. I have friends." 

You lean against the closest wall, trying to prompt eye contact from Caleb but he doesn't meet your gaze.

Jester butts in, "At the time you didn't though, it was really touch and go. I mean there were some days you didn't utter a word the entire day, you know?" 

Caleb looks a little hurt at that, staring almost deadpan at Jester before letting a smile creep onto his face with a relenting sigh.  
It's true he was alarmingly closed off at the time...there's no denying it. 

"Well." Caleb continues, "You did not put a return address did you? Somewhere for them to send a reply?" 

Not and Jester's eyes both go wide with realization, staring at each other they reply in tandem, "The Pillow Trove." 

"I talked to the manager at the inn and they told me that a letter arrived from the Soltryce Academy." Jester finishes, flinching slightly, expecting a bad reaction from Caleb. 

That finally seems to get to him, and the wizard seems to lose a little bit of color from his cheeks, "Did you think I had fond memories of these people?" He asks, shaking his head, trying to understand just why they would do this?

Nott's voice is shrill and raised, well- more so, "I guess I wasn't really thinking!? I did think that maybe you would want to reconnect with this person! I thought you liked her a lot." 

Jester nods feverishly in support, "Yeah you talked to me about her too, Caleb. Well you were talking about her while you were drunk and I happened to be there..." She rambles, fiddling with the ends of her hair. 

But your ears perk up at Jester's words, you'd never heard a whisper about this Astrid person. Who was she? And what had Caleb said about her that promoted both Nott and Jester to try and not just contact her but reunite her with Caleb? 

Caleb's shoulders look tense, it feels like he's trying not to look at you, "Look, Astrid...and others from my past, if they were to find me- it...it would not be a happy reunion. If they were to find any of us- it could be dangerous. Do you understand?" Caleb tries to explain carefully, avoiding being too harsh or too divulging, "These people, they could complicate things for us." Caleb finishes, tiredly running a hand through his auburn hair. 

Jester nods somberly at that, "But do you like Astrid though?" She pries, and you're slightly grateful for her one track mind, you definitely want to hear that answer. 

Caleb finally meets your eyes, "No." He answers confidently, no longer addressing Jester it seems like, "Not anymore. That was a long time ago, and like I said, she would not take kindly to finding me." 

Nott and Jester seem satisfied if a little disappointed by that answer.   
Suddenly Jester and Nott are casting blame on one another for the letter and after a few minutes of that Caleb tells them to just be more careful from now on, and keep an eye out for anyone from the academy. 

Jester and Nott finally go on their way, leaving you both alone. 

"Come with me." Caleb commands before you can even get a word in. 

He takes your arm and leads you out the front door of the mansion. 

"Caleb, where are you taking me?" You question him once out of the house. 

Caleb's grip relaxes, and he stops walking to answer, "There is a place I want to take you. We can talk there. Is that alright?" 

You hesitate, you supposed there was a conversation that needed to be had now, though you wished you could just avoid it. 

He offers an outstretched arm to you, and you gently hook your hand around the crux of his elbow, allowing him to lead you down the street. 

"I was...surveying the neighborhood the other day and came upon a place I think you would like." Caleb comments. 

You start to feel yourself relaxing, the cool breeze ever present in nicodranas quelling your worries and suspicions.

After a few minutes of walking, you round a corner and find a lonely stone temple. It's slightly overgrown with vegetation, perhaps there aren't enough hands tending to it.   
But despite that, it looks cozy and inviting, the inside awash with warm candle light. 

"Is this the place?" You ask in an almost whisper as a part of you wonders if it's disrespectful to be here. The temple is so lonely and isolated.

"Yes." Caleb responds, "Want to go inside?"

"Can we?" You question, taking a few tentative steps forward. 

"Yes, don't feel bad." Caleb assures you looking up to the old stones that form this place, "This shrine hasn't been used in a very long time. This god doesn't hold much standing here anymore, I don't think." 

You nod, stepping through the doorway to the inner chamber of the temple, "How do you know the Drow don't still worship this god?" You ask, your voice bouncing off of the cold stones.

Caleb walks in behind you, lighting a few more candles that litter the area, "It is a shrine to Lolth. But these Drow do not seem to have much use for Lolth up here." Caleb takes in the details and carvings along the stone walls, "And that's good for us, since Lolth is not a caring God." Caleb's fingers trace a particularly grim craving, "Her love is violent, and costly." 

Caleb takes a deep breath, taking his hand away from the stone and rubbing his fingers together to wipe away the dirt. 

"It feels calm in here, despite who this home is for. Don't you think?" Caleb asks, a gentle smile on his lips.

You nod, the gentle flames flickering cast dancing shadows that somehow feel safe and welcoming. 

"Caleb," you start, staring deep into one of the many candles surrounding you, "Are you sure you don't still have feelings for- her?" Forgetting her name you stutter, "I know how powerful memories can be."

Caleb doesn't hesitate to shake his head at that, "No, trust me, they're not fond memories." Caleb steps close to you, brushing your knuckles with his own, "You are jealous, aren't you?" Caleb smiles gently, humor wrinkling the ends of his eyes. 

You bite your lip, the words forcing themselves out, "How can I not be? Nostalgia is no easy thing to compete with."

"Hm..." Caleb's eyes fondly trace your frown, "Maybe for some. I've seen you go up against worse things and come out on top."

You smile, setting him with intense eyes, "Vying for your affections has been my hardest challenge yet, Widogast." 

"Was I really that difficult?" Caleb asks, his eyes blinking in worry. 

You laugh, turning to face him, "You think you're the one always going unnoticed. But I always felt invisible to you." 

"If I made you feel that way it's only because you frightened me so." 

You can't help but let loose a boisterous laugh at that, "I frightened you? Really?" 

Caleb looks at you like you've just said the most insane thing he's ever heard, "Of course you frightened me! You read people, notice so much. And all I want is to hide. Of course you frightened me...." 

You sniffle, stepping closer and hooking your arms over his shoulders, "Don't worry. You're unreadable to me, young wizard." You whisper, your lips hovering just before his. 

You feel Caleb go rigid, his body bristles with tension and his breathing begins to quiver. 

Why is he so afraid? 

"Can I kiss you...here?" You place the tip of your finger gently on the pulse point of his neck. 

Caleb's chin instinctively cranes upward to give you a better view, his throat bobs as he swallows nervously, but he nods his head yes. His eyes fixed on yours, like a frightened bird. 

You smile gently, your head tucking out of view, resting on his shoulder. 

You watch for a moment, his pulse racing beneath the sensitive skin of his throat. 

Caleb shivers under your scrutiny, your breath tickling the fine hairs behind his ear. 

You don't know why Caleb loses control when you threaten to kiss his lips...but if he'll let you, you're happy to find other ways of showing him affection. 

You finally tilt forward, your lips gently kissing the fluttering pulse beneath Caleb's jaw, the stubble there tickling you. 

"Hah...hmm..." Caleb whimpers, his hands automatically moving to grasp at your shoulders.

"Should I stop?" You ask, a secret part of you relishing the twist of his fingers in your clothes.

"N- no. Keep going." He breathes. 

You kiss him again, your tongue teasing out in gentle licks. Caleb shudders as you continue to up the pressure, pushing slightly harder against his body, leading longer trails with your tongue. 

He squirms under your touch, his head craning away from you while his arms clutch onto you for dear life. You can feel his shuddering moans on your lips as you continue to kiss his neck. You take a chance and let your teeth graze his skin, Caleb gasps, his hands tangling in your hair as he pulls you closer. 

You smile at his reaction, before you break away, angling yourself so you can look at his face. He's flushed, a delightful dusting of pink over his cheeks and nose. 

"We should head back." You huff, a little breathless. 

Caleb swallows, his eyes hazy and heavily lidded as he stares at you, "Ye- yes. Let's get home before we're missed." 

You smile, planting one last kiss on his cheek before leading the way out. 

Home?

**Author's Note:**

> New chapter coming thursday, likely sooner.


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